13th October 2014
Feeling the urgent desire to start a blog at time when you have no access to the internet seems like one of those internal paradoxes that we all know. Like a longing for christmas time (*sings* mitstletoe and wine…) that overcomes us just as we are melting in the Spanish sun in mid-August.
During the next few posts (can you even call it that when you’re not actually posting it yet?) I’ll try and explain some of the motivations that may be the source of this sudden calling, but for now maybe a brief summary of my current situation will help you out. As I have previously stated, I am unfortunately offline for now. Not by choice, this must be clear. If you are one of those new-age hipsters, then maybe living without access to the web might be seen as a new way to “reconnect with nature”, and you’ll tell everyone about how freeing the experience has been before returning to your daily reading of GOOP and the like. No, not me. I like the internet. I really do. And the problem doesn’t seem to be the internet itself (but how do people even now, it’s not like you see a rainbow coming out of that pathetic little box on my wall), but rather theWiFi router (is that what it’s called?). Well, I don’t really know. My competence in this area is very limited, as you might have noticed.
Funny story actually, I came to prove my computer skills only about two or three weeks ago when I spilled a glass of coke (and a bit of rum) on my laptop. Clever me, I shut down the laptop, sacrificed a package of rice and left the laptop there for an extended period of time. Great reaction, right? I kept my calm and handled that situation like a motherfucker. Well, initial success confirmed me in this perception of myself (yes, thank you very much); to my very surprise and relief, Truman (and yes, I named my laptop) was up and running. All good and well if there hadn’t been that slight issue with the sound. After a while of me being relieved and Truman being up and running – specifically: showing me an episode of Finding Carter (yes, it’s trashy but, boy, such tension, such drama) -, the sound dropped. It was just gone. A bit later it was back. But it had changed. It was like in Zombieland where Jesse Eisenberg helps his supposedly injured hot neighbour from 7F or so (I’d look it up, but NO INTERNET) and he gets all excited and horny when suddely she turns into a zombie and hell brakes loose. Well, the sound made a similar transformation. From giving no sound (“supposedly injured”) to the voicing of high pitched screeching, screaming sounds (“hell brakes loose”). Again,shut down, keep calm, what next? I came to the conclusion that I’d have to do some open heart surgery. I gathered some tissues (why?!), a tiny little screwdriver and some snacks (soul food), and started unscrewing. All well so far, I finally left it at opening up the laptop, blowing into it a bit and then starting to resemble the whole lot. Here it was a bit tricky, it didn’t seem to close as well as it had opened, but I just screwed away (there might have been some mild force in use, I know, I know…). Again everything was fine (the sound was fixed, hurra!) until the recent rebellion of my router, when I said “fuck WiFi, I’m going LAN” and tried to put he cable into that little plug (naughty!). Didn’t work. How, yous ask? It seems a ricecorn from the aftermath of the rum-and-coke disaster got stuck somewhere inside of Truman and then disfigured my LAN box thingy when I rescrewed the whole thing. A bloody ricecorn. So, yeah.