You know when you have a dream that is so realistic that it takes you a moment to grasp where you are when you wake up? That moment of realization can be incredibly relieving when you’ve had a bad dream and a little disappointing when it was a good dream. I find that what makes a dream realistic is not how akin to life the setting and ‘plot’ are, but how familiar and intense the feelings you feel while dreaming it are.
Now, last night is an ideal example of this. What happened in the dream was not super realistic (lots of water everywhere, but I can’t recall a feeling of wetness… you get the image), but I felt a feeling of panic so acute that waking up came as a positive shock.
The source of this panic brings me to my next topic: I lose things. Everything. While in this particular dream I left my backpack (with all my belongings and valuables – my life was pretty much in that backpack) at the site of a festival and only noticed it on the bus home. In real life, however, this applies to practically everything. I have lost phones, money, and everything you could possibly think of.
Not only am I constantly looking for something, this habit can get really really inconvenient (hence the panicking). When I visited friends in English over new year’s we went out clubbing into the closest town – quite a shabby southern seaside town, the kind of town where clubbing is only fun if you are completely and utterly smashed. A girl like me is now faced with a lot of choices before even leaving the house: What do I wear, what about make-up, do I bring a coat (in December, the answer to this one should always be ‘yes’), do I bring a bag. The last one is particularly challenging for someone who has trouble keeping track of one’s possessions while sober and fully awake. To minimize the risks, I tend to take as little as possible. Annoyingly though, you need your most valuable items on a night out: phone, money, ID.
So, on this particular night out, I did get completely and utterly smashed and had a super fun time out. Trouble started when I woke up in the morning, a bit more sobered up but still ridiculously drunk and completely delirious. That is usually the moment when I turn over, check whether my valuables are on my bedside table and go back to sleep. This time, however, there was no bedside table, there were six people in one tiny room and I could not quite remember how I got into bed in the first place. Usually, this kind of amnesia is quite pleasant, it stops me from remembering actions that I would want to forget anyways, but in this particular situation it was hindering for once.
My panic was increased by the fact that the things I was hoping to find on the non-existent bedside table were vital to the next few days: My phone for communication as I was travelling across to London, and my ID, most importantly, because this was my (only) travelling document and I was due to leave the country the day after. It was, however, not my house and my delirious state of mind did not help my emotional output. There are not enough words to describe the height of the panic that I felt that morning. I pictured myself stranded at some embassy, with no way of contacting anyone anywhere, being interrogated by scary officers and walking alone through the streets at night. With these upsetting images in mind, I fell into some sort of half-sleep/half-wake.
Luckily, I did find all of my valuables in the morning and was able to travel to London and leave the country according to plan. Last night’s dream, however, (more than a week after the actual panic occurred) shows that this issue is deep-rooted in my subconscious.
Now, as I am still deeply immersed in my happiness project, I will not simply accept that this habit of losing things and the panic that follows will be a constant part of my life. So, I shall do some research into the topic, but, please, if you have any experiences or tips, do share them.