So I said I was going to post fewer posts, and yet here I am, writing one again only a few hours after publishing the last. And no, this is not the kind of post that you can schedule for a later day or save as a draft. It has a feeling of urgency.

Let me set the scene. In my part of the world it is almost four in the morning and I am alone in my room. I’m thirsty but too lazy to go to the bathroom, fill the kettle and make some tea. Also that could wake up my flatmate, which I wouldn’t want. But then I guess she’s probably in a deep sleep phase and she sleeps with her window open every night and we live right by a busy street that’s quite noisy even at four in the morning. So scratch that. Laziness is my only excuse. Also my room smells of salami, which I had a craving for, but now it’s just repulsive. Every now and then a wave of salami-scented air approaches me from my left side. The leftover salami will have to go first. That’ll be my first step after finishing this post. Actually, I do need the loo, so maybe the second.

It’s one of those strange nights where I can never be sure whether I’m having a nervous breakdown or an epiphany. Even though I am as sober as I have ever been (haven’t even touched a cigarette in quite a while now), it’s like I’m high. My every sense seems alert to the beauty and tragedy of life. So I’ve decided to seize the moment and pull and all nighter, something I haven’t done since I left school. My life has become so boring so orderly. There’s no returning from Brighton on the first bus home. There’s no coursework that is worth it to work through the night.

I haven’t even had a drink in over a week. Actually, hang on. I would very much like to have a drink. Right now. Ugh, I now have to admit to having made a gin and tonic way too strong for my taste. It would probably taste better if the tonic water wasn’t flat and too old. But it’s good. I think there is something very graceful about solitary drinking (as long as you limit yourself to the occasional glass). I should take it up. Yes. I might just make and impulse purchase and buy a wine decanter on Amazon.

How have I come here, you ask? Well, it started when I discovered I had internet this morning. I forgot how much I love the internet. At first I thought it would never return and I’d have to spend a lot of time in the library using their free but annoyingly slow WiFi. I went so far as to make a list of reasons why I should actually be happy not to have internet in my room. That’s what I when I get anxious about how things might turn out. I make a list of advantages of the outcome that I feel less desirable. Like a list of reasons why going to my second choice of uni is actually better that my first in case I don’t get into my first choice and then a reason of why it’s better that I don’t go to uni in Scotland in case I get into neither of them. Uncertainty makes me wobbly. I don’t like it. You know how some people make a plan B in case their actual plan doesn’t work out? Well, I also have a plan C, in case B doesn’t work out and C and D and so on. Knowing I have a plan helps. Only if my plan E doesn’t work out, I’m truly fucked.

So yes, I rediscovered the magic of the internet. Not the horrific porn and gossip and people thinking they have to give their opinion on everything, but the nicer sides of it. I love how many opportunities it gives you. How with every door you open there’s a corridor with a million more doors on the other side. It’s late, so please excuse my analogies or metaphors or whatever they are called. I never did get the literary devices right. I loved literature and I loved talking about it but I could never see why it was necessary for me to use words like onomatopoeia and oxymoron and asyndeton. Literally. Why?

Where was I? Yes, so even though it was already beyond midnight and I have things tomorrow and stuff, I decided to watch a film. Films are somehow just so much better than series. I find this with books as well. I like novels. I do not like things that drag on for years and years. Even Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Oh, especially Twilight.

The film I watched was “Laggies” starring Keira Knightley doing an impressive American accent and Chloe Moretz and another guy that I think played superman or badman but I might be entirely wrong. It was not a great film. I will probably watch it ever again. Still. You know when somehow films are just so good not because they are but because they strike a chord in you? So, yeah. That happened.

I really need the toilet now. Drinking didn’t really help that. I think I might have missed my point, the morale of my story, but then I guess that is precisely the point.

Have a pleasant night, y’all!

B x

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s