It is official: I am literally going insane. As in, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My mind racing from one crazy thought to another, I’ve come to the conclusion that my momentary insanity is caused by a number of reasons.
For once, I have been around my parents for over a week now. I love my parents, but we really are better apart. When I’m in my flat two hours away from my parents, we skype every Sunday, and occasionally message or email to let each other know what is going on in our lives. Apart from that, they leave me alone and I leave them alone. This seems to be ideal for all parties involved. From time to time I come down for the weekend, we spend two pleasant enough days all together and then, on Sunday evening, I am glad to be on my way home again, back to my own life.
Naturally then, being together for an extended period of time is unusual territory for all of us, seeing as, despite being only eighteen, I haven’t lived with my parents for three years now. Also, I am generally not that good at cohabiting with anyone over a longer period, I need my own space and my own rhythm of things. There is nothing that makes me more anxious than having someone around who questions what I do, when I do it and especially my way of doing things. Somehow it makes me very defensive and angry and I really don’t like feeling that I have to justify my ways. I’ve got enough insecurity as it is, no need for more external sources of it to open up. For some reason, parents are champions at questioning your every move. Drives me crazy. See, I’ve had my every move questioned for more than a week now, the crazy accumulates.
Another major cause for panic and doubt is the future. Both the immediate future and the wider one. In the immediate future I am awaiting a new semester, fair enough. I’m actually quite looking forward to that, doing nothing for months established the base line of insanity, so yay. But on the other hand, my flatmate has moved out and the university has automatically assigned me a new one, which technically means that I will come home to find a stranger in my flat that I will have to live with for the next few months.
The less immediate future, often just called “the future” or “my life”, I’d say, generates the highest level of anxiety. I’ve applied to universities in Scotland back in October and I’ve heard back from most of them. That is, all but one. Of course, this one has to be just the one that I really really really want to go to: the University of Edinburgh. Now, you might think, if I’ve been waiting since October to get an offer or be rejected, why does this propel me to the verge of a nervous breakdown now? Well, thing is, they told me I’d hear from them by March 31st, WHICH IS TOMORROW!!! I swear letting me hope for this long is pure cruelty on their part. I literally don’t even care anymore what their response is, as long as they give me one and let me move on with my life. It is the uncertainty that is making me crazy. If they don’t want me, I can arrange for accommodation, insurance and all that jazz for my second choice of university (who have presented me with an unconditional offer months ago) and I can just live my life.
I am now doomed to spend another 31 hours checking my emails and having frequent panic attacks. Part of me is filled with rage and the other one is begging for mercy. “Desperation” is the word that sums up both aspects.
Have mercy on me, University of Edinburgh, you f****** bitch!